I haven't written in this blog for a long time. Think I want to start using it more. No one reads it. No one even knows it exists. But it's here, taking up a nanospot in cyberspace.
Mickey Lou is on my lap purring. I feel relatively relaxed. Enjoyed a day of eating and shopping with a friend who I had lost touch with for a while. That's one good thing that came out of the beating I took at the hands of a police officer...it led to her contacting me. :)
Yep, I got my ass beat by a po po. Bastard. I'll write more on this later.
I also now have breast cancer, and am contemplating refusing some of the suggested procedures/treatments. I've just been through too much in my life. Since the diagnosis a couple months ago there have been 2 more deaths in my life...a good friend's mother (who I felt close to) died of a brain tumor. And my sweet cousin Jeff died in a car accident (they believe he had a seizure and went off the road). Then the cop incident. Damn. I just need my life to chill out a bit. I swear I've seen more death than most people twice my age. And isn't one cancer and a couple near death experiences enough for me??? I've already done 2 marathons & 2 century rides for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I don't really feel like doing a walk for breast cancer. Damn.
I just want to travel. See and do interesting things. Meet interesting people. Help people. Help animals & nature. I want to save lives. But good god...how do I continue to keep saving my own? It's exhausting. It ain't easy bein' CG! I wish I had a loved one. Just someone to hold me every day. Do I really need all of this sorrow & solitude to be an artist? a writer? Damn.
Damn.
Damn.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Attention PLEASE!
WTF. Does anyone pay attention anymore? Does everyone have ADD?
My most recent frustration is with the bitch nurses at a couple of my docs offices who are reluctant to help me with the necessary info I need to supply to my insurance company, so they will continue to pay for my much needed blood pressure med. They don't listen to me, nor do they pass on what I'm requesting to my docs. grrrr
Ok, well, beyond that. I talked to my brother today. He was just hospitalized for a heart problem. It's not that I needed him to listen to me on this occasion, because this was a time for me to listen to him. I did want to offer some suggestions, however, since I've dealt with too many doctors and have taken too many meds in my lifetime. Every single time I talk to him on the phone his wife is right next to him yapping! He carries on more of a conversation with her than with me when on the phone. If I am speaking, she is speaking in the background at the same time. There is no way he can hear both of us--especially since he is a bit hard of hearing! If it was just a one time thing it would be understandable, because this is a stressful event afterall. Such is not the case though, it's every time.
Then there is my sister. Whenever she returns a call of mine she is driving home through the dead zone, where the phone is certain to lose service. Or, she calls late when I'm already sleeping. Today when I called her to talk about my brother, and my frustration over my health care, she was on her cordless landline phone that kept beeping. Her cell doesn't work great in her house, so we inevitably try to talk with her on her beeping battery depleted landline. If she stayed in one spot on her cell, we could have reception, but no. Or, if she used the corded phone it wouldn't beep, but no.
Then there are boys. Boys are dumb. Men are dumber.
Texting is what everyone does now. It's convenient. I'm with it. I've got my QWERTY keypad. Clearly, I don't relish trying to carry on conversations with so many distractions taking place anyhow! But damn...can someone respond to a text? It doesn't have to be immediate, but the courtesy of a response would at least be nice. And as far as communication goes...a dude can tell me what color toenail polish I had on and when, and when he met me, where he's seen me, what I've said and done, and notice the hat on my head....but can't respond to a text? Can't give me the proper attention I need???? WTF
Well, about my BP med. All this stress, and that drug is working. My BP is normal (at least something about me finally is!). So, get it covered already bitches, before I do something to raise yours!
aha!
My most recent frustration is with the bitch nurses at a couple of my docs offices who are reluctant to help me with the necessary info I need to supply to my insurance company, so they will continue to pay for my much needed blood pressure med. They don't listen to me, nor do they pass on what I'm requesting to my docs. grrrr
Ok, well, beyond that. I talked to my brother today. He was just hospitalized for a heart problem. It's not that I needed him to listen to me on this occasion, because this was a time for me to listen to him. I did want to offer some suggestions, however, since I've dealt with too many doctors and have taken too many meds in my lifetime. Every single time I talk to him on the phone his wife is right next to him yapping! He carries on more of a conversation with her than with me when on the phone. If I am speaking, she is speaking in the background at the same time. There is no way he can hear both of us--especially since he is a bit hard of hearing! If it was just a one time thing it would be understandable, because this is a stressful event afterall. Such is not the case though, it's every time.
Then there is my sister. Whenever she returns a call of mine she is driving home through the dead zone, where the phone is certain to lose service. Or, she calls late when I'm already sleeping. Today when I called her to talk about my brother, and my frustration over my health care, she was on her cordless landline phone that kept beeping. Her cell doesn't work great in her house, so we inevitably try to talk with her on her beeping battery depleted landline. If she stayed in one spot on her cell, we could have reception, but no. Or, if she used the corded phone it wouldn't beep, but no.
Then there are boys. Boys are dumb. Men are dumber.
Texting is what everyone does now. It's convenient. I'm with it. I've got my QWERTY keypad. Clearly, I don't relish trying to carry on conversations with so many distractions taking place anyhow! But damn...can someone respond to a text? It doesn't have to be immediate, but the courtesy of a response would at least be nice. And as far as communication goes...a dude can tell me what color toenail polish I had on and when, and when he met me, where he's seen me, what I've said and done, and notice the hat on my head....but can't respond to a text? Can't give me the proper attention I need???? WTF
Well, about my BP med. All this stress, and that drug is working. My BP is normal (at least something about me finally is!). So, get it covered already bitches, before I do something to raise yours!
aha!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Midnight in the Garden of Good & Evil
This doesn't have to do with the book or the movie--though both were good!
It has to do with dreamland. Our subconscious waking up memories of people who are dead from our lives. I have dreams of my mother, who passed away a few years ago, and most of these are good because I get to be held by her--even if it's in another realm, I'll take it, it's better than never again feeling her love.
Last night, I was dreaming of my ex-hubby. He's the only one I pine over. With relationships that have followed, I have become Comfortably Numb. Sadly, when I dream of my ex it is often unfulfilling. I often awake feeling depressed. I miss him. In last night's dream, I believe we were on a ship. At one point I know I was in a plane, feeling like I was about to slide off before it lifted off, and I actually wanted to, but didn't want to be hit by it. I think I made it. Oddly, I think my oncologist was the pilot.
I was following my ex to every corner of the ship in my dream, or simply wandering around aimlessly. Sometimes approaching him, sometimes not. We were on the phone, and it was breaking up at times. I was having trouble hearing him, and feeling very frustrated. When I did get to see him, I said "Please, please, give us a chance!" He was so calm, seemingly unmoved by my emotions. I feared I was going to get over emotional, and then he really wouldn't want me. I said, "I was young then, you would really like me today I think. Please. Can we try? I feel confident it would be wonderful."
I couldn't get out of this dream. Just as I can't get away from these feelings in my waking life. Then the bird sound on my cellie went off, signaling I just got a text.
"Can you come into work at 1:00? I'm sick."
"Ok" I text'd back.
It has to do with dreamland. Our subconscious waking up memories of people who are dead from our lives. I have dreams of my mother, who passed away a few years ago, and most of these are good because I get to be held by her--even if it's in another realm, I'll take it, it's better than never again feeling her love.
Last night, I was dreaming of my ex-hubby. He's the only one I pine over. With relationships that have followed, I have become Comfortably Numb. Sadly, when I dream of my ex it is often unfulfilling. I often awake feeling depressed. I miss him. In last night's dream, I believe we were on a ship. At one point I know I was in a plane, feeling like I was about to slide off before it lifted off, and I actually wanted to, but didn't want to be hit by it. I think I made it. Oddly, I think my oncologist was the pilot.
I was following my ex to every corner of the ship in my dream, or simply wandering around aimlessly. Sometimes approaching him, sometimes not. We were on the phone, and it was breaking up at times. I was having trouble hearing him, and feeling very frustrated. When I did get to see him, I said "Please, please, give us a chance!" He was so calm, seemingly unmoved by my emotions. I feared I was going to get over emotional, and then he really wouldn't want me. I said, "I was young then, you would really like me today I think. Please. Can we try? I feel confident it would be wonderful."
I couldn't get out of this dream. Just as I can't get away from these feelings in my waking life. Then the bird sound on my cellie went off, signaling I just got a text.
"Can you come into work at 1:00? I'm sick."
"Ok" I text'd back.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Slow Down People!
I'm terribly sad to hear this weekend of 3 dogs that have been hit and killed by cars.
Last night I spoke with a friend for a few hours who I hadn't spoke to in a few years. He told me about his sister's little dog--that was like her child--that got hit and killed by a car last October. He said that she has serious depression over it. She saw it happen. After my friend moved to NYC, and his parents and brother to Cali, his sister was alone for a while in their old house, and she got the little dog to keep her company. My heart seriously breaks for her. I lost 2 cats earlier this year, and have been witness to too many deaths of loved ones--both animals and people. It does haunt a person. Even if your life goes on, there are events that bring the tragedy to the surface again. It can be debilitating at times. It's a form of post-traumatic stress syndrome I suppose. I can only imagine how devastated she was/is.
For this reason...because I do think about and imagine how it would feel to lose a beloved pet this way, I drive so slowly and carefully on side roads. I am a careful driver overall, but on side roads in particular I am always watching the sides of the road to make sure nothing runs out in front of me. I never want to be going at a speed that I can't brake fast enough to prevent a tragedy. I don't want to hit a bird or a squirrel! People make fun of me when I brake for tiny critters. I find it kind of sick that these same people drive drunk. Don't they get it? If I'm careful enough to avoid a squirrel, then surely I'd be prepared to brake if a child ran into the street from behind a car, or an elderly person stumbled into the road.
SLOW DOWN PEOPLE!
Please, think about not only the animal you could take the life of, but how it will affect the people's lives who loved these animals. Even if it's a wild animal, someone is gonna mourn its loss of life. I saw a deer that got hit by my last apartment in the city (near a park), and the woman kept driving. The deer was left struggling in the road, and drivers continued to speed by well beyond the speed limit. I got out of my car and stood by this deer hoping to prevent it from getting hit a second time. I still have a lot of sorrow wave over me from this experience. Prior to the deer getting hit there, a neighbor's dog was hit and killed. Ducks and geese that would cross the street to get to the pond would also get hit.
Getting back to this weekend...a friend's mother's dog was hit and killed tonight. When I spoke to my dad today he told me that my aunt's sweet dog got hit and killed. I'm sad. Much of the time I wonder why people share these things with me when they know how sensitive I am. It does bring up memories of past heart-breaking moments. Like when I was at a birthday party as a young girl and my friend's dog got hit and killed. Probably every birthday she has she remembers that. It's horrible. While traveling with my parents as a little girl, I remember driving by an adorable little black puppy that was playing in the grass. On our way back down that road it was dead in the street. I saw it full of life, and then still, and it was difficult for my young mind to process. It is still difficult today when it re-enters my thoughts.
I have flashbacks.
I also think of an exotic type bird that would visit with me when we were in France at my mom's cousin's little grocery store. It was the pet of a person who lived across from the store. Across the small road there were cherry trees, and the bird liked to go over there to get berries. I saw it get hit and killed. I was heartbroken. Birds don't or can't always fly out of the way in time for cars! It is such a fallacy to think they will move faster than you in your speeding bullet! It makes me crazy when I watch people speed straight for them as though they will just fly out of the way! They need time to gain speed and adjust direction! The larger the bird, the more time they need. Please, remember this!!!!!
I sadly remember a squirrel that was run over, but still alive, and was pulling itself across the road with his hind legs dragging. I cry now thinking about him. Yes, I cry over a squirrel.
If you made it this far, then you too must care a little. If you need any further encouragement to slow down and be more alert while driving, then watch the movie "Bella".
Spread the word!
Last night I spoke with a friend for a few hours who I hadn't spoke to in a few years. He told me about his sister's little dog--that was like her child--that got hit and killed by a car last October. He said that she has serious depression over it. She saw it happen. After my friend moved to NYC, and his parents and brother to Cali, his sister was alone for a while in their old house, and she got the little dog to keep her company. My heart seriously breaks for her. I lost 2 cats earlier this year, and have been witness to too many deaths of loved ones--both animals and people. It does haunt a person. Even if your life goes on, there are events that bring the tragedy to the surface again. It can be debilitating at times. It's a form of post-traumatic stress syndrome I suppose. I can only imagine how devastated she was/is.
For this reason...because I do think about and imagine how it would feel to lose a beloved pet this way, I drive so slowly and carefully on side roads. I am a careful driver overall, but on side roads in particular I am always watching the sides of the road to make sure nothing runs out in front of me. I never want to be going at a speed that I can't brake fast enough to prevent a tragedy. I don't want to hit a bird or a squirrel! People make fun of me when I brake for tiny critters. I find it kind of sick that these same people drive drunk. Don't they get it? If I'm careful enough to avoid a squirrel, then surely I'd be prepared to brake if a child ran into the street from behind a car, or an elderly person stumbled into the road.
SLOW DOWN PEOPLE!
Please, think about not only the animal you could take the life of, but how it will affect the people's lives who loved these animals. Even if it's a wild animal, someone is gonna mourn its loss of life. I saw a deer that got hit by my last apartment in the city (near a park), and the woman kept driving. The deer was left struggling in the road, and drivers continued to speed by well beyond the speed limit. I got out of my car and stood by this deer hoping to prevent it from getting hit a second time. I still have a lot of sorrow wave over me from this experience. Prior to the deer getting hit there, a neighbor's dog was hit and killed. Ducks and geese that would cross the street to get to the pond would also get hit.
Getting back to this weekend...a friend's mother's dog was hit and killed tonight. When I spoke to my dad today he told me that my aunt's sweet dog got hit and killed. I'm sad. Much of the time I wonder why people share these things with me when they know how sensitive I am. It does bring up memories of past heart-breaking moments. Like when I was at a birthday party as a young girl and my friend's dog got hit and killed. Probably every birthday she has she remembers that. It's horrible. While traveling with my parents as a little girl, I remember driving by an adorable little black puppy that was playing in the grass. On our way back down that road it was dead in the street. I saw it full of life, and then still, and it was difficult for my young mind to process. It is still difficult today when it re-enters my thoughts.
I have flashbacks.
I also think of an exotic type bird that would visit with me when we were in France at my mom's cousin's little grocery store. It was the pet of a person who lived across from the store. Across the small road there were cherry trees, and the bird liked to go over there to get berries. I saw it get hit and killed. I was heartbroken. Birds don't or can't always fly out of the way in time for cars! It is such a fallacy to think they will move faster than you in your speeding bullet! It makes me crazy when I watch people speed straight for them as though they will just fly out of the way! They need time to gain speed and adjust direction! The larger the bird, the more time they need. Please, remember this!!!!!
I sadly remember a squirrel that was run over, but still alive, and was pulling itself across the road with his hind legs dragging. I cry now thinking about him. Yes, I cry over a squirrel.
If you made it this far, then you too must care a little. If you need any further encouragement to slow down and be more alert while driving, then watch the movie "Bella".
Spread the word!
Just Call or Text!
Tonight I went over to a friend's house to watch the L Word on Showtime (cuz I don't have cable, and it's a good show for lesbians to bond with). I picked up some munchies, and made brownies after a busy day at work. Work...a couple lousy tippers, and one weird man with a weird child who makes me question whether this is a legitimate father/son relationship, or one more sinister. I'm tired. I'm freezing, freakin' cold! I'm bloated. I really don't want to go back into the arctic, but I told her I was coming over, and that I'd bring snacks.
I drove across town. Down Straight street (can you believe that one?) to hang with a gay girl with straight hair and maybe her girl, her bi-sis, maybe an ex-lover of mine, maybe not. Well, I get to the door and there is her son with a sitter playing video games. "She went to the movies" they said to me. "When'd she leave?" I asked. "Just a few minutes ago. Well, I text'd her to let her know I was on my way. But no courtesy text or call from her to cancel, or tell me to save a trip. bullshit
On the day of the inauguration another lesbian friend was supposed to come over to watch it with me. I even texted her a couple hours prior to confirm (cuz she has dissed me in the past), and she supposedly was on her way, just trying to get out of a parking lot. She no-showed.
Is this a lesbian thing? A woman thing? What???? Why can't someone simply say "I'm not gonna make it" or "I'm gonna cancel". I really don't give a shit. Really, I don't. But, it would be nice to have the luxury of making other plans if I wanted to. Paaleeeeeezze! It just drives me more into seclusion, because I feel like I really can't depend on anyone. Like why ask if someone wants to do something? Why accept their invitation, when these things repeatedly happen? It gets old...
...and so do I.
I drove across town. Down Straight street (can you believe that one?) to hang with a gay girl with straight hair and maybe her girl, her bi-sis, maybe an ex-lover of mine, maybe not. Well, I get to the door and there is her son with a sitter playing video games. "She went to the movies" they said to me. "When'd she leave?" I asked. "Just a few minutes ago. Well, I text'd her to let her know I was on my way. But no courtesy text or call from her to cancel, or tell me to save a trip. bullshit
On the day of the inauguration another lesbian friend was supposed to come over to watch it with me. I even texted her a couple hours prior to confirm (cuz she has dissed me in the past), and she supposedly was on her way, just trying to get out of a parking lot. She no-showed.
Is this a lesbian thing? A woman thing? What???? Why can't someone simply say "I'm not gonna make it" or "I'm gonna cancel". I really don't give a shit. Really, I don't. But, it would be nice to have the luxury of making other plans if I wanted to. Paaleeeeeezze! It just drives me more into seclusion, because I feel like I really can't depend on anyone. Like why ask if someone wants to do something? Why accept their invitation, when these things repeatedly happen? It gets old...
...and so do I.
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