Blog Topic request - The Queerness of Forever in Love

Here's another blog topic blast from the past request via myspace:

March 14, 2009

 

 

The Queerness of Forever in Love

Current mood:nostalgic

Ok Shannon, as per your request, I'm finally writing this blog!

What a great, deep topic.  I thought I could easily roll something off my tongue and put it in a blog like an easy, breezy conversation over coffee.  But nope.  I was in AZ, thoroughly enjoying myself, and I believe subconsciously I just didn't wanna go there with my thoughts.  Cuz I knew, if I write about love, I'm gonna write about Chris.  Well, at least when that word "Forever" is part of the subject.

*Damn it...I need to blow my nose...been crying already.  fuck

And, for the record, the time I am now beginning to write this is 1:16 pm.  Chris is my ex-husband.  Over a decade has gone by since I've seen him.  I still remember when he proposed.  It was 1:16 am.  I was drifting off to sleep and he awoke me.  His bright little smile leaning over me.  And he asked me, "Will you marry me?"  My eyes popped opened, I looked at the clock, and said, "It's 1:16 in the morning, do you know what you're saying?"  He smiled that smile that melts me even now just in my thoughts.  He told me that he was out with his friend having coffee, and his friend was rambling about his f'd up relationship with his girlfriend, and it made him realize how lucky he is--we are.  And that we were.  We had some challenges in life, as all couples and people do, but damn, we were a fit.

*Had to grab the Kleenex box, toss the used tissue on the floor,   fuck.  my eyes are gonna be puffy later.

Ok, so do I believe in Forever in Love?  Yes.  But that is a loaded question.  I believe I'm capable of loving until the end of my earthly existence, because here I am still weeping for him.  I have loved before and after him, it's just different.  I don't like to refer to it as love or in love, like some do when they say, "Oh, I love you, but I'm not in love with you", because I've been told that bullshit before.  I love him.  Period.  I believe that in love business is equivalent to infatuation, because I've heard it from people (mostly girls) and I have found it to be more of the selfish type of love, like I gotta have you, I gotta see you, I don't want anyone else to have you, I'm obsessing over you, I got it bad for you.  But that type of love is so fleeting!  Anything that burns that hot so early on, is likely to get snuffed out when the flames reach the sprinkle system on the ceiling of fickle Love.

I have a feeling this might be the "Eccentricity in Love" you're referring to Shannon. You and others, have probably had someone come on real strong and promise the moon.  I hang it in the sky for one person (someone who reminds me of Chris, but could never be him) but I never promise to give the moon to anyone!

The moon.  The earth.  The sky.  The stars.  FOREVER is not ours to give.  No one can really promise that.  I think time reveals.  I take life like this:  We have today.  Let's make the most of it!  If someone is still holding my hand 5, 10, 20 years from now.  Wow.  They must love and respect me.  I just can't digest someone throwing out such eccentric words so prematurely in relationships, by saying things like "I wanna be with you forever."  So, back to this Chris person...I'm not with him.  But I do genuinely love him.  It would be validating to know that he feels the same.  I'm sure he does love me, but I mean to the core like I love him.  He's so lucky to have this kind of love from me, because I'm beginning to think it's rare, and that some are even incapable of offering this kind of love to another (unless it is their child, and that's completely different dynamics).  I believe most people love selfishly.  That's why people destroy property, fight the competition, and even kill, when they feel they have lost their prize.

Nope, not me.  He's with someone else.  I still love him.  I don't hate her.

Humans are animals.  We are not a species that is designed to be monogamous for life.  That's where humans (dare I say male?) creation of religion, and manipulation of doctrines, ideas and minds comes into play.  The topic of religion, the bible, etc. is better left for another blog.  I'm an educated woman, and have become a philosopher after my long, arduous years of living (and near death experiences).  I adore the animals/birds that do mate for life.  It's romantic.  I also understand the animals that live in packs, or solitary.  Sometimes, I wish I was one of those birds with a life-long mate.  Sometimes, I have to put myself in check, acknowledge how grand this life is no matter what path we are designed to take, and make the most of it.  I always repeat to myself and others Everything Happens for a Reason.  Do I believe that?  I'm not certain.  The only thing in life that is certain, is that everything is uncertain.  But I want to believe a reason exists.  I want to believe that my path on this winding road is where I'm supposed to be.  The new people I meet are meant to come into my life (or me into theirs) for a reason.  If one relationship didn't end, then we wouldn't meet the interesting people of our future.  We need to embrace that.  If our path leads us back to someplace familiar, we should embrace that too.

For now, I say to Chris....

I can't promise you forever.  But I can tell you that my love is unwavering.  I've loved others.  I want to love more.  But you are a part of who I've become.  You remind me of what is good inside me.  The love I have for you is a guide, for what I hope to find along my path--someone to love me as completely and unconditionally as I have loved you.  Whether the path leads me to someone new, or back to you, is uncertain.  I'll just keep painting, writing, snapping photos of the wonders of the world, and keep hoping....I am here for a reason.

Blog Topic Request: WWAD?

I put the request for blog topic suggestions out there, and here's what I got:

Suggestion:
I would be interested in what your artists friends (or you) think/do/or experiences in dealing with:
Making the wrong choice, even when you know it's wrong...

My response:
That's good...care to elaborate? Concerning relationships? Work? Family ? Or open ended question?

Suggestion elaborated:
 All of the above... I believe the creativity, reckless abandon, and the lack of inhibition that makes artists who they are, spills over into the life choices of the artists. Which is why artists seem to have more "colorful" drama... for a lack of a better description, The" Hank Moody's" of the real world. The trouble, perils, and ultimately greater rewards of pursuing what makes them tick...


So, I'm taking this as What Would Artists Do?  My gosh, this could become huge!  Tons of questions piling in about all kinds of situations asking WWAD?  I could even get bracelets made!  woohoo!

Ok, now seriously....

I think this is a great question, though honestly, I'm not sure I'm the right one to answer it.  But it was directed to me/for my blog, so here it here it go:

I guess stereotypes come about for a reason...if enough of a certain group of people act a certain way, they get stereotyped.  I stereotype cops--unless they prove themselves otherwise--I admit.  Even artists...yes, there are a lot of them who over indulge in drugs and alcohol and wild behavior (or just sit on couches and talk about what they are gonna do, but ultimately never do it).  But me...I'm not an over indulger of these vices, and drama will send me running FAST.

I can't say that I make the wrong choice even when I know it's wrong.  I make mistakes--everyone does--but I'm not reckless.  I think things through--possibly too much.  I'm a thinker.  I'm also a feeler--often too much so for my own good.  I'm an empath--so I've been told, and have to agree.  I am no Hank Moody--though I dig the show Californication that his character is on, because I like to drain my brain of all that thinking sometimes and soak up some brain dead TV.  Personally, there are some other shows that top that one for me though, like My Name is Earl-- it functions much better at giving me laughs, and helping me clear my mind for sleep.  Arrested Development worked for a bit too.  The only thing I have in common with Hank Moody is that there is cool art on the walls in some of the shots, and I think it would be cool if some of my art could hang in one of those episodes.

My troubles and perils have predominantly been related to my near death experiences, countless health challenges, deaths of loved ones (including beloved pets, and the loss of my mother being the greatest loss of all), and the emotional and financial challenges that have been attached to these events.  I don't have a lot of drama with ex's.  I have one person who I loved--still love--whole heartedly and unconditionally.  I feel no animosity toward any ex.  Actually, anyone I have loved romantically I have loved unconditionally.  It just was never the same as it was with this one soulmate.  I easily moved forward after anything ended with anyone else.  I might shed a tear here or there, or feel a little sadness if it ended abruptly or in a not so kind manner, but I don't create or indulge in drama.  And after a few days, wow...it's almost shocking how easily I can shake it off.  But you know...when you've seen as much death as I have, and been so close to death as I have, things just line up under a different perspective than they do for others.

So you see....I have more in common with Vietnam Vets than I do with other artists.

As far as getting at the "greater rewards of pursuing what makes them tick.." This Artist--ArtistCG--me--I--can't really say for sure how I would have ended up if #1 I never had cancer and been through a bone marrow transplant #2 My marriage never ended #3 I never lost my mother or witnessed the other deaths that I have.  Maybe I'd be making a whole lot more money?  Maybe I'd have a 40 hour white collar job?  Maybe I'd have what would appear like the American Dream, but maybe there could be drama behind the scenes?  Maybe.........I wouldn't be the artist that I am.  Hmmm...one never knows.

My advice to the asker or anyone else would be:

• Try to make the right choices that align with your heart so that you have no regrets.  
• If you have a passion--pursue it.  
• If you are extremely stressed at your job, considering quitting it--yes, quitting--and getting another job.  You might have to make sacrifices in other areas, but ultimately you can make it balance.  
• Don't stay with someone if they don't complete you.  
• Don't just screw around if the repercussions from doing so are too troublesome.  

Make choices that you can be comfortable with the results of.
If you try something (or someone) and you went into it thinking it was the right choice, and suddenly it goes wrong.  Don't beat yourself or the other person up.  It was the right choice for the time.  And when you move on, that can be the right choice too.  I try to believe--and it might just be a coping mechanism--that everything happens for reason.  I believe we meet others for a reason--for us to change their lives, them to change ours, or perhaps for a mutual exchange.  And even if a relationship goes sour, at the time if it felt right, so be it....we have helped them move forward with their destiny, and they have done the same for us.

So, you see for me...it isn't crazy creative choices spilling over into my life, it's my life spilling over into my creativity...and I hope I use it wisely...I hope I make positive changes to change the world in a positive manner.  The aforementioned lack of inhibition that makes stereotypical "artists who they are" ...I certainly can't relate to.  I am expressive.  I am painfully intelligent.  Therefore, I have educated opinions that can make some uneasy.  I am open minded.  But I'm much more of a loner than anyone realizes, and at times losing some inhibition might actually be good for me.


WWACGD?

WRITE ON!

Untitled as of yet

a poem by Colette
written the eve of May 16, 2012

I just wish he would talk to me

Guess they got married

Not something I could do

            No

I’d fall apart from the memories

            that would fill the sacred space

Between me              and            you

My black cat knows my soul

            is drifting

And he brings me a ball

            and cries out                        until

I am brought back to my land of today

            Crying

Hoping tomorrow will bring me luck

I’m just doing what I always do...

            entertaining

I’m still the jester

            puttin’ on the smiles for anyone

and everyone

who wants to collect some

    But it’s yours that I miss

and you look into my eyes

            only through a picture

and instantly mine fill with tears

            of the yesterdays I can’t correct

                 of the today that is still missing you

   of the tomorrow where I will be

            smiling            laughing

     but still longing

for the day I can hear your voice

            again

and feel at peace

u just can't win

There's an old song by the J. Geils Band called Love Stinks
that has lyrics that ring so true with so many:

You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can't win 

Yeah, Yeah...Love Stinks.


I was having a little barbershop conversation earlier, and I've learned a lot in my years of cutting hair and pouring drinks and livin' this life...u just can't win.  Why is that?  Why is it that it is so difficult to find reciprocated love?  There always seems to be such an imbalance.

He loves him, but he wants a girl...but he doesn't really know how to talk to girls.  And the girl who adores him just happens to be in a man's body.  "You can't help who you love" he says.

And then there's him...him who loves him, but that him is married to a her.  I'm sure he loves her, but.  That brings in the question...Why is it that someone can love someone enough to marry them, to spend days and nights with them, but feels passion for someone else?

I wonder...Are men incapable of combining lust and love?  Do they confuse lust with love?  I read something not long ago about the male brain, how if it feels compassion for say a woman, then its desire nodes don't light up...and if it feels desire, the compassion leaves the brain.  whoa.  how's that for core differences?  Of course the scientific journal worded it with greater precision, I'm just giving u the summary.

Then there's her, who is a him, who loves her, but she loves him who is a her.  Follow me?  This isn't as simple as gender differences.  Male/Female yadda yadda blah blah.  I'm talkin' 'bout love here.  It really doesn't matter how someone identifies themselves.  What matters to me is.......

WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO FIND RECIPROCATED LOVE?

I want the kind where you feel both passion AND compassion mutually!

Nature must have some sort of hand in this.  But shit damn!  I want the Romeo to my Juliet AND the Juliet to my Romeo in one package!  You Dig?

Damn.

In the closet

I pulled everything out of the closet in my studio room to reorganize things-- I need my feng shui! I need to be able to get at my art supplies with ease. There were old letters, photos, items that were my mothers, n some things from my childhood.

I emptied out a storage unit last summer with the help of my good neighbor Erich - who in recent years lost all his belongings in a fire. I hadn't wanted to go thru those things since my mother passed away, n other relationships have been severed. He made it much easier for me. What little I kept I put in this closet til now. I didn't look thru everything - because it would be too emotionally draining to do so - but while condensing n placing bins of letters and photos to the rear of the closet, I did come across some memories in the process. Amongst other interesting finds...I found 2 "I'm sorry" letters from my ex-hubby. Wow, I miss him. I've never loved anyone the way I love him. But life takes it turns, n we were separated for youthful reasons, n then my leukemia accelerated, then I was fighting for my life... n then the drudgery of 9 circles of hell from pre-BMT (bone marrow transplant) to BMT, to post-BMT that sucked 6 years of life outta me.  His life went on.  Anyhow... I love him unconditionally and have only ever wanted for his happiness. He has two kids now n I'm happy this separation of our souls has had purpose for him.

Me...I'm grateful for all the friends I've met along my path. N maybe it's just my coping method, but I always want to believe everything happens for a reason.