Blog Topic request - The Queerness of Forever in Love

Here's another blog topic blast from the past request via myspace:

March 14, 2009

 

 

The Queerness of Forever in Love

Current mood:nostalgic

Ok Shannon, as per your request, I'm finally writing this blog!

What a great, deep topic.  I thought I could easily roll something off my tongue and put it in a blog like an easy, breezy conversation over coffee.  But nope.  I was in AZ, thoroughly enjoying myself, and I believe subconsciously I just didn't wanna go there with my thoughts.  Cuz I knew, if I write about love, I'm gonna write about Chris.  Well, at least when that word "Forever" is part of the subject.

*Damn it...I need to blow my nose...been crying already.  fuck

And, for the record, the time I am now beginning to write this is 1:16 pm.  Chris is my ex-husband.  Over a decade has gone by since I've seen him.  I still remember when he proposed.  It was 1:16 am.  I was drifting off to sleep and he awoke me.  His bright little smile leaning over me.  And he asked me, "Will you marry me?"  My eyes popped opened, I looked at the clock, and said, "It's 1:16 in the morning, do you know what you're saying?"  He smiled that smile that melts me even now just in my thoughts.  He told me that he was out with his friend having coffee, and his friend was rambling about his f'd up relationship with his girlfriend, and it made him realize how lucky he is--we are.  And that we were.  We had some challenges in life, as all couples and people do, but damn, we were a fit.

*Had to grab the Kleenex box, toss the used tissue on the floor,   fuck.  my eyes are gonna be puffy later.

Ok, so do I believe in Forever in Love?  Yes.  But that is a loaded question.  I believe I'm capable of loving until the end of my earthly existence, because here I am still weeping for him.  I have loved before and after him, it's just different.  I don't like to refer to it as love or in love, like some do when they say, "Oh, I love you, but I'm not in love with you", because I've been told that bullshit before.  I love him.  Period.  I believe that in love business is equivalent to infatuation, because I've heard it from people (mostly girls) and I have found it to be more of the selfish type of love, like I gotta have you, I gotta see you, I don't want anyone else to have you, I'm obsessing over you, I got it bad for you.  But that type of love is so fleeting!  Anything that burns that hot so early on, is likely to get snuffed out when the flames reach the sprinkle system on the ceiling of fickle Love.

I have a feeling this might be the "Eccentricity in Love" you're referring to Shannon. You and others, have probably had someone come on real strong and promise the moon.  I hang it in the sky for one person (someone who reminds me of Chris, but could never be him) but I never promise to give the moon to anyone!

The moon.  The earth.  The sky.  The stars.  FOREVER is not ours to give.  No one can really promise that.  I think time reveals.  I take life like this:  We have today.  Let's make the most of it!  If someone is still holding my hand 5, 10, 20 years from now.  Wow.  They must love and respect me.  I just can't digest someone throwing out such eccentric words so prematurely in relationships, by saying things like "I wanna be with you forever."  So, back to this Chris person...I'm not with him.  But I do genuinely love him.  It would be validating to know that he feels the same.  I'm sure he does love me, but I mean to the core like I love him.  He's so lucky to have this kind of love from me, because I'm beginning to think it's rare, and that some are even incapable of offering this kind of love to another (unless it is their child, and that's completely different dynamics).  I believe most people love selfishly.  That's why people destroy property, fight the competition, and even kill, when they feel they have lost their prize.

Nope, not me.  He's with someone else.  I still love him.  I don't hate her.

Humans are animals.  We are not a species that is designed to be monogamous for life.  That's where humans (dare I say male?) creation of religion, and manipulation of doctrines, ideas and minds comes into play.  The topic of religion, the bible, etc. is better left for another blog.  I'm an educated woman, and have become a philosopher after my long, arduous years of living (and near death experiences).  I adore the animals/birds that do mate for life.  It's romantic.  I also understand the animals that live in packs, or solitary.  Sometimes, I wish I was one of those birds with a life-long mate.  Sometimes, I have to put myself in check, acknowledge how grand this life is no matter what path we are designed to take, and make the most of it.  I always repeat to myself and others Everything Happens for a Reason.  Do I believe that?  I'm not certain.  The only thing in life that is certain, is that everything is uncertain.  But I want to believe a reason exists.  I want to believe that my path on this winding road is where I'm supposed to be.  The new people I meet are meant to come into my life (or me into theirs) for a reason.  If one relationship didn't end, then we wouldn't meet the interesting people of our future.  We need to embrace that.  If our path leads us back to someplace familiar, we should embrace that too.

For now, I say to Chris....

I can't promise you forever.  But I can tell you that my love is unwavering.  I've loved others.  I want to love more.  But you are a part of who I've become.  You remind me of what is good inside me.  The love I have for you is a guide, for what I hope to find along my path--someone to love me as completely and unconditionally as I have loved you.  Whether the path leads me to someone new, or back to you, is uncertain.  I'll just keep painting, writing, snapping photos of the wonders of the world, and keep hoping....I am here for a reason.

Blog Topic request: Change

Since my last post was a recent blog topic request, I thought I'd pull a couple I had from when I was on myspace and share them here.  This one is still fitting today, because I was recently talking to a friend about how change can be good.  Just a few short months later I was diagnosed with breast cancer,  I more or less lost my job and the majority of my clientele as a result of this change (I was working in a barbershop), the economy really took a dump (so I couldn't sell if I wanted to), and well...life goes on, and here I sit.  I'm eternally grateful for my life, for the people and animals in it, and I like to believe every happens for a reason...blah blah blah.  I really don't know what the future has in store for me.  I have a thirst for travel and new experiences, but I am content right where I am too.  Ultimately, I think I want someone in my life.  A loving companion.  I think I'd like to be right here with them, and do some traveling.  It's not that I wouldn't consider a move anymore, but I'm like the caged bird that would need to be acclimated to a change in environment now. 

Here it goes from May 29, 2009:

Change

Current mood:contemplative

This subject is on Kristine Young's request...Change

I've pondered how to tackle this subject.  Spare change?  Easy!  I'd drop a couple quarters in the candy machine at the movie theater and get some Runts and Mike & Ikes!  Making other changes?  Not so easy.  Ultimately, however, I still believe change is good.

I have been contemplating a big move for several years now.  With each passing winter day that decision for change becomes more pressing.  I have dreamed of a move to Miami--where it's sunny, the ocean could wash away my worries, the warm weather might mean better physical health and probably be emotionally satisfying too.  I want to be around more single people.  Grand Rapids is a nice place to raise a family, but I am the anamoly of this city--no family, no spouse, no kids.  For most people around here they have extended families, and marry young.  The mindset here is different than I was accustomed to on the east of the state.  Though I've found a niche of diverse people and places to hang out with and at, I still long for something more.  I also want to be someplace that has a larger art scene--both for the exposure of my own artworks, and to enjoy art related activities (visual arts, music, etc.).  Around here, it seems like all people know how to do is drink.  Social and communication skills seem to have been run over.

Recently I visited Scottsdale, AZ.  I would love to move there.  I'm not sure how long I would stay there, but it would be a pleasant change.  The gathering places are very hip & trendy.  There are many galleries.  I would be reasonably close to other artistic hot spots--like San Diego.  I would be either a short drive or direct, cheap flight away from many cities/states that I'd like to visit.  I could cover more turf, more easily than I can from the midwest.  I'd like to see more of Cali/Sante Fe, New Mexico/Colorado/Portland, Oregon/Seattle.  I could do more networking with my art.  I could meet interesting, new people.

This would be a big change.  Change in jobs.  Change in living arrangements.  I would probably have to take a cut on my condo, and go back to renting.  Probably have to have a roommate to start off.  A definite change in climate.  Many people are afraid of change.  And there is something to be said about security and stability.  But me, I know how fragile and short life can be, and I'm afraid to not live it fully and completely.

Have any of you seen Revoluntionary Road?  Wow.  I went to see it alone.  Yep, got my candy, and a frozen coke.  :)  I wanted to see what this married couple who seemed to have achieved the white picket fence American dream were longing for, or what kind of demons they were battling.  I often wonder what it would be like to be like so many of the people I am surrounded by here in married, white, family land.  I have moments where I might feel a tinge of envy, when I am struggling all alone.  But for the most part...I believe I am more ALIVE than most people here.  I guess I just wanna go find some more living creatures.  My take on the movie might be a little different than how others here view it to be.  I saw the couple as two highly passionate people who simply wanted something more out of life than what they had.  As good as what they had might have appeared to others looking in, they were looking outward.  It was an eye opener for me. 

And I think it's okay to want more. 

To want something different. 

To seek Change.

So...what kind of change do you want to make? 
and do you have the guts to do it?

Blog Topic Request: WWAD?

I put the request for blog topic suggestions out there, and here's what I got:

Suggestion:
I would be interested in what your artists friends (or you) think/do/or experiences in dealing with:
Making the wrong choice, even when you know it's wrong...

My response:
That's good...care to elaborate? Concerning relationships? Work? Family ? Or open ended question?

Suggestion elaborated:
 All of the above... I believe the creativity, reckless abandon, and the lack of inhibition that makes artists who they are, spills over into the life choices of the artists. Which is why artists seem to have more "colorful" drama... for a lack of a better description, The" Hank Moody's" of the real world. The trouble, perils, and ultimately greater rewards of pursuing what makes them tick...


So, I'm taking this as What Would Artists Do?  My gosh, this could become huge!  Tons of questions piling in about all kinds of situations asking WWAD?  I could even get bracelets made!  woohoo!

Ok, now seriously....

I think this is a great question, though honestly, I'm not sure I'm the right one to answer it.  But it was directed to me/for my blog, so here it here it go:

I guess stereotypes come about for a reason...if enough of a certain group of people act a certain way, they get stereotyped.  I stereotype cops--unless they prove themselves otherwise--I admit.  Even artists...yes, there are a lot of them who over indulge in drugs and alcohol and wild behavior (or just sit on couches and talk about what they are gonna do, but ultimately never do it).  But me...I'm not an over indulger of these vices, and drama will send me running FAST.

I can't say that I make the wrong choice even when I know it's wrong.  I make mistakes--everyone does--but I'm not reckless.  I think things through--possibly too much.  I'm a thinker.  I'm also a feeler--often too much so for my own good.  I'm an empath--so I've been told, and have to agree.  I am no Hank Moody--though I dig the show Californication that his character is on, because I like to drain my brain of all that thinking sometimes and soak up some brain dead TV.  Personally, there are some other shows that top that one for me though, like My Name is Earl-- it functions much better at giving me laughs, and helping me clear my mind for sleep.  Arrested Development worked for a bit too.  The only thing I have in common with Hank Moody is that there is cool art on the walls in some of the shots, and I think it would be cool if some of my art could hang in one of those episodes.

My troubles and perils have predominantly been related to my near death experiences, countless health challenges, deaths of loved ones (including beloved pets, and the loss of my mother being the greatest loss of all), and the emotional and financial challenges that have been attached to these events.  I don't have a lot of drama with ex's.  I have one person who I loved--still love--whole heartedly and unconditionally.  I feel no animosity toward any ex.  Actually, anyone I have loved romantically I have loved unconditionally.  It just was never the same as it was with this one soulmate.  I easily moved forward after anything ended with anyone else.  I might shed a tear here or there, or feel a little sadness if it ended abruptly or in a not so kind manner, but I don't create or indulge in drama.  And after a few days, wow...it's almost shocking how easily I can shake it off.  But you know...when you've seen as much death as I have, and been so close to death as I have, things just line up under a different perspective than they do for others.

So you see....I have more in common with Vietnam Vets than I do with other artists.

As far as getting at the "greater rewards of pursuing what makes them tick.." This Artist--ArtistCG--me--I--can't really say for sure how I would have ended up if #1 I never had cancer and been through a bone marrow transplant #2 My marriage never ended #3 I never lost my mother or witnessed the other deaths that I have.  Maybe I'd be making a whole lot more money?  Maybe I'd have a 40 hour white collar job?  Maybe I'd have what would appear like the American Dream, but maybe there could be drama behind the scenes?  Maybe.........I wouldn't be the artist that I am.  Hmmm...one never knows.

My advice to the asker or anyone else would be:

• Try to make the right choices that align with your heart so that you have no regrets.  
• If you have a passion--pursue it.  
• If you are extremely stressed at your job, considering quitting it--yes, quitting--and getting another job.  You might have to make sacrifices in other areas, but ultimately you can make it balance.  
• Don't stay with someone if they don't complete you.  
• Don't just screw around if the repercussions from doing so are too troublesome.  

Make choices that you can be comfortable with the results of.
If you try something (or someone) and you went into it thinking it was the right choice, and suddenly it goes wrong.  Don't beat yourself or the other person up.  It was the right choice for the time.  And when you move on, that can be the right choice too.  I try to believe--and it might just be a coping mechanism--that everything happens for reason.  I believe we meet others for a reason--for us to change their lives, them to change ours, or perhaps for a mutual exchange.  And even if a relationship goes sour, at the time if it felt right, so be it....we have helped them move forward with their destiny, and they have done the same for us.

So, you see for me...it isn't crazy creative choices spilling over into my life, it's my life spilling over into my creativity...and I hope I use it wisely...I hope I make positive changes to change the world in a positive manner.  The aforementioned lack of inhibition that makes stereotypical "artists who they are" ...I certainly can't relate to.  I am expressive.  I am painfully intelligent.  Therefore, I have educated opinions that can make some uneasy.  I am open minded.  But I'm much more of a loner than anyone realizes, and at times losing some inhibition might actually be good for me.


WWACGD?

WRITE ON!

Golden Goddess

I am honored to be featured on my friend & writer Claudia Moss's blog A Golden Life
She interviewed me about my poetry and included 3 of my poems.
Click on the link and feel free to give her or me some feedback!

WRITE ON!!!

Hot topic

No...not the store...but an actual, exciting, current events topic....gimme one to write about for my blog.

Should I have a weekly hot topic?
Give free advice-be like a life couch/spirit guide? Or, like Sex and the City and share relationship ponderings? Interviews with artists?

What? What? 1-2-3 Go!

eventually pretty

I discovered this young girl's blog--eventually pretty--she's a wise little soul!  check it out, esp today's post February, and September's post On Toxic People.

Onto what just happened with me...someone said to me "Isn't that just paint thrown on a canvas?  I mean, couldn't I just do that?"  To all of you who think that way about any abstract art, I say "Prove it!"

Here's the paintings of mine the person was looking at:

Next Blog

I've taken an interest in clicking Next Blog--the link on the upper left side of Blogger.  I'm curious what people are sharing out there.  It's interesting, but not as randomized as I would like.  Tonight, there were several biker blogs in a row (biker as in bicyclists, not biker as in Harley dudes n dudettes).  I've noticed this trend with the Next Blog feature in Blogger, that it will show u one, then you'll have a string of similar blogs.  Yesterday, I believe I was on a Korean streak--nothing I could read, but I liked checking out the layouts.  There are a lot of mommy bloggers out there, and those don't intrigue me.  An occasional one mixed in fine, but I want variety!!!!

Gimme:
some weird, some cerebral, some enlightening, some visually gorgeous, some funny, some stupid, some food, some fancy, some tell all diaries, some foreign, some pets, some nature, some space, some tubs, some shoes, some poop, some TMI, some bellies, some boobs, some fashion, some kinda wonderful blogs--Please!

Have any that are clever that you'd like to recommend to me?  DO TELL!  xoxo!

I just pooped and it felt good to get that outta me!  TMI?  so what!  my blog!  heehee  jaja

Oh....and here's some tub photos for you: