Blog Topic request - The Queerness of Forever in Love

Here's another blog topic blast from the past request via myspace:

March 14, 2009

 

 

The Queerness of Forever in Love

Current mood:nostalgic

Ok Shannon, as per your request, I'm finally writing this blog!

What a great, deep topic.  I thought I could easily roll something off my tongue and put it in a blog like an easy, breezy conversation over coffee.  But nope.  I was in AZ, thoroughly enjoying myself, and I believe subconsciously I just didn't wanna go there with my thoughts.  Cuz I knew, if I write about love, I'm gonna write about Chris.  Well, at least when that word "Forever" is part of the subject.

*Damn it...I need to blow my nose...been crying already.  fuck

And, for the record, the time I am now beginning to write this is 1:16 pm.  Chris is my ex-husband.  Over a decade has gone by since I've seen him.  I still remember when he proposed.  It was 1:16 am.  I was drifting off to sleep and he awoke me.  His bright little smile leaning over me.  And he asked me, "Will you marry me?"  My eyes popped opened, I looked at the clock, and said, "It's 1:16 in the morning, do you know what you're saying?"  He smiled that smile that melts me even now just in my thoughts.  He told me that he was out with his friend having coffee, and his friend was rambling about his f'd up relationship with his girlfriend, and it made him realize how lucky he is--we are.  And that we were.  We had some challenges in life, as all couples and people do, but damn, we were a fit.

*Had to grab the Kleenex box, toss the used tissue on the floor,   fuck.  my eyes are gonna be puffy later.

Ok, so do I believe in Forever in Love?  Yes.  But that is a loaded question.  I believe I'm capable of loving until the end of my earthly existence, because here I am still weeping for him.  I have loved before and after him, it's just different.  I don't like to refer to it as love or in love, like some do when they say, "Oh, I love you, but I'm not in love with you", because I've been told that bullshit before.  I love him.  Period.  I believe that in love business is equivalent to infatuation, because I've heard it from people (mostly girls) and I have found it to be more of the selfish type of love, like I gotta have you, I gotta see you, I don't want anyone else to have you, I'm obsessing over you, I got it bad for you.  But that type of love is so fleeting!  Anything that burns that hot so early on, is likely to get snuffed out when the flames reach the sprinkle system on the ceiling of fickle Love.

I have a feeling this might be the "Eccentricity in Love" you're referring to Shannon. You and others, have probably had someone come on real strong and promise the moon.  I hang it in the sky for one person (someone who reminds me of Chris, but could never be him) but I never promise to give the moon to anyone!

The moon.  The earth.  The sky.  The stars.  FOREVER is not ours to give.  No one can really promise that.  I think time reveals.  I take life like this:  We have today.  Let's make the most of it!  If someone is still holding my hand 5, 10, 20 years from now.  Wow.  They must love and respect me.  I just can't digest someone throwing out such eccentric words so prematurely in relationships, by saying things like "I wanna be with you forever."  So, back to this Chris person...I'm not with him.  But I do genuinely love him.  It would be validating to know that he feels the same.  I'm sure he does love me, but I mean to the core like I love him.  He's so lucky to have this kind of love from me, because I'm beginning to think it's rare, and that some are even incapable of offering this kind of love to another (unless it is their child, and that's completely different dynamics).  I believe most people love selfishly.  That's why people destroy property, fight the competition, and even kill, when they feel they have lost their prize.

Nope, not me.  He's with someone else.  I still love him.  I don't hate her.

Humans are animals.  We are not a species that is designed to be monogamous for life.  That's where humans (dare I say male?) creation of religion, and manipulation of doctrines, ideas and minds comes into play.  The topic of religion, the bible, etc. is better left for another blog.  I'm an educated woman, and have become a philosopher after my long, arduous years of living (and near death experiences).  I adore the animals/birds that do mate for life.  It's romantic.  I also understand the animals that live in packs, or solitary.  Sometimes, I wish I was one of those birds with a life-long mate.  Sometimes, I have to put myself in check, acknowledge how grand this life is no matter what path we are designed to take, and make the most of it.  I always repeat to myself and others Everything Happens for a Reason.  Do I believe that?  I'm not certain.  The only thing in life that is certain, is that everything is uncertain.  But I want to believe a reason exists.  I want to believe that my path on this winding road is where I'm supposed to be.  The new people I meet are meant to come into my life (or me into theirs) for a reason.  If one relationship didn't end, then we wouldn't meet the interesting people of our future.  We need to embrace that.  If our path leads us back to someplace familiar, we should embrace that too.

For now, I say to Chris....

I can't promise you forever.  But I can tell you that my love is unwavering.  I've loved others.  I want to love more.  But you are a part of who I've become.  You remind me of what is good inside me.  The love I have for you is a guide, for what I hope to find along my path--someone to love me as completely and unconditionally as I have loved you.  Whether the path leads me to someone new, or back to you, is uncertain.  I'll just keep painting, writing, snapping photos of the wonders of the world, and keep hoping....I am here for a reason.